You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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