I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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