time to smoke my breakfast
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
