I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
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You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
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I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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