not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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