it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
