Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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