Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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