she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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