hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
