I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
