he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
