If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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