dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
