I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
