Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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