Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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