Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If I die, sorry about rent.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
