can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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