Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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