mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
