I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
