How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
