i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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