$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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