I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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