My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
