Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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