is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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