fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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