I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
