I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
too bad you live with your parents still
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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