Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
