): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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