what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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