Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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