i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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