You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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