I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
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how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
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It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.