apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
