i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
