My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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