Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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