Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
