So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
