We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
