Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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