I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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