Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
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dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.