I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
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Did I show you my penis last night?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
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Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever