Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
