1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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