i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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