No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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