I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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